In 2 months...

In two months I:::

• lost a best friend(by lost I mean we arent bff's no more)
• lost a scholarship due to not having enough credits
• rekindle past memories that werent pleasant
• had to deal with a boy who I really dont know and he gives me bad vibes
• got told to lose weight by someone I work with
• moderate anxiety due to all of the above
• slight mild depression due to all of the above but nothing to serious:)
• slight relapase (read the relpase post again Im not on drugs nor did I ever use them)

Seriously Its not even MARCH yet oy veyyyyyyyyy

this is WAYY tooo much for a 2 month time period ALOT to handle.

signals

Its only 2 months in the New Year and it went from bad to worse in a blink of an eye.
oy vey

R E L A P S E

To kinda reiterate what I said in my previous entry below which was more about a guy. I wanna say again that people simply cannot say certain things.You don't know how its going to affect them. You don't know what sort of things the person went through and you simply cant say certain things.


I'm in a very dark place right now and I wanna get out of it.But I know myself. The venom is trying to find its way and slowly its getting there. I think it might be too late, hopefully not.I NEVER been in a dark place before. I know most people been in a dark places before perhaps after a breakup or not gettin accepted in a college or a death of a loved one etc.


www.merriam-webster.com defines the term relapse as:

1 : the act or an instance of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding
2 : a recurrence of symptoms of a disease after a period of improvement


Now I'm not saying I'm on drugs. I never touched a drug in my life and have no plans what so ever to do so.But a relapse to me can be anything it can be going back to your old habits of not studying, going back to an ex who didn't treat you well, spending too much money after you promised to yourself you are goingto start budgeting etc.
It doesn't always mean drugs and/or alcohol abuse well to me it doesn't.

BEING PICKY

Ok OK I know I'm pretty picky. when it comes to a lot of things. Yes I want a cup of coffee but there is now way I'm have a sip of your decaf. Yes I need new jeans but if they aren't super skinny jeans from urban outfitters umm yea I'm not wearing them.



I need to switch up my mentality and mind set. Its quite unhealthy. Because at the end of the day there is always something that we can "pick"at to make us unhappy. Like for me and the whole boyfriend sitch for instance. At first I thought the reason to why I'm always single is that perhaps I'm not very attractive. And I still do believe that and NO this isn't a call for pity and for me to indulge is some harmless self loathing but its what I firmly believe still to do this. I mean srsly. Anywhoozer if I keep being picky I'm never going to meet/do anything and once when I started to let my guard down and make progress on my cynicism an asshole finds away to fuck with my mental state of mind which is too personal to write about here only one person knows what I'm talking about and I'm sure she is reading it:) thx btw :)


This year my new years resolution is clarity and funny thing is two months in the new year and guess what my life is far from clear right now.

BTW
this post I have been writing and editing for abt 1-2 weeks so I can't write on this topic anymore because my head was in a diff place.Asyou can see in the first pargraph or so I was more potimistic but towards the end it went back to being cynical.And to think I was actually feeling that yes, I should give ppl a chance and be less picky until yesterday which basically confirmed that I was making the right choice by sending ppl away ,not giving them the chance and staying away from people.

If ppl only knew how much their actions affect people. I'm sure ppl wouldn't hit on ppl as much, maybe they would and just not care despite the emotional baggage the person they are hitting on may have. And also despite how their actions can cause them to relapse and remember all they wanted to forget.

For some reason Im real anxious over the silliest thing and Im sure Im making a bigger deal out of it then what it really is.I feel like I'm the overdramtic princess right now and I'm normally the ice queen. I like being the ice queen too. She keeps me safe.
I thought I woulkd get over this but its been haunting me in school and I been shaking in class for no reason and I'm out of harms way there.

Im sorry for anymone reading this bc no lie I feel like I'm being soo dramatic and I hate dramatic ppl. Im the fkn ice princess what happened?

xoxoxo
hellcat

ORGASMATRON

Motorhead listen and look

I MADE A.....

YOUTUBE CHANNEL
go subscribe and tell your friends lol so far I have 13 subbies:) I didnt even think I would get 1 subbie lol
My channel is basically universal:
-vlogging
-hair
-makeup
-singing
-dancing
-maybe art? if I can find a way to put that up lmao
BUT GO AND CHECK IT OUT
xoxo
hellcat
http://www.youtube.com/user/angieterror

P.S
Im still working on bucket list of 100 things so far I have 54 when I get to 100 I will finally publish the post ooh and SPOILER making a youtube channel is one the things on my bucket list:)))