PERCEPTIONS OF REALITY

Ok so I'm going to try to blog at least 3x a week minimum maybe more. I think it will be a good thing. So lets get started.....


According to http://www.merriam-webster.com

imag·i·na·tion
Pronunciation: \i-ˌma-jə-ˈnā-shən\
1 : the act or power of forming a mental image of something not present to the senses or never before wholly perceived in reality

re·al
Pronunciation: \ˈrē(-ə)l\
1 : of or relating to fixed, permanent, or immovable things (as lands or tenements)
2 a : not artificial, fraudulent, or illusory

para·noia
Pronunciation: \ˌper-ə-ˈnȯi-ə
1 : a psychosis characterized by systematized delusions of persecution or grandeur usually without hallucinations
2 : a tendency on the part of an individual or group toward excessive or irrational supiciousness and distrustfulness of others

il·lu·sion
Pronunciation: \i-ˈlü-zhən\
1 a obsolete : the action of deceiving b (1) : the state or fact of being intellectually deceived or misled 2) : an instance of such deception
2 a (1) : a misleading image presented to the vision

Ok so we have imagination, real,paranoia and illusion.It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see where I might be going with this and the correlation the words have with one another.

I've been called several of time by family and friends that im "weird" and I agree with this we are all weird and those who call me weird are just hiding themselves which to me is the weirdest thing of all.
Now look at the definitions there really isn't that much of a difference between paranoia and imagination. Except if you're paranoid you're certifiable an outcast and if you have an imagination you're creative and you think outside the box.

But who is to say what other ppl see isn't real? We are all one may say "blessed" with different gifts AND curses. You KNOW what you see and I Know what I see. Just because you don't posses the gift or curse that one may say God gave me doesn't mean I'm crazy nor does is make you normal because you don't see it.

For me REALITY IS PERCEPTION. .You perceive your reality there isn't a textbook or psychiatrist that can tell you otherwise to try to make you perceive THEIR reality

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that those serial killers that go on rampages because they "felt they were being told to by an alien" or some shit like that is right. Because that is wrong I don't condone that at all.I believe that they just say shit so they wont get a harsher sentence and they can plea insanity.

I'm just talking about how you perceive the world in your eyes and how some people may see things that others don't see but they aren't necessarily evil things though and because some people may see images or things you don't see doesn't mean they are certifiable even though the ones that do harm to others might be lmao.

Basically I'm just getting tired of people calling me weird and doubting my thoughts and perspective. I don't doubt your perspective because I don't have your eyes and I can't judge nor do I have any intentions on judging anyone.

Just to reiterate....
Disclaimer:::: I'm not condoning anyone who harms others because they "see" things.

R E L A P S E

To kinda reiterate what I said in my previous entry below which was more about a guy. I wanna say again that people simply cannot say certain things.You don't know how its going to affect them. You don't know what sort of things the person went through and you simply cant say certain things.


I'm in a very dark place right now and I wanna get out of it.But I know myself. The venom is trying to find its way and slowly its getting there. I think it might be too late, hopefully not.I NEVER been in a dark place before. I know most people been in a dark places before perhaps after a breakup or not gettin accepted in a college or a death of a loved one etc.


www.merriam-webster.com defines the term relapse as:

1 : the act or an instance of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding
2 : a recurrence of symptoms of a disease after a period of improvement


Now I'm not saying I'm on drugs. I never touched a drug in my life and have no plans what so ever to do so.But a relapse to me can be anything it can be going back to your old habits of not studying, going back to an ex who didn't treat you well, spending too much money after you promised to yourself you are goingto start budgeting etc.
It doesn't always mean drugs and/or alcohol abuse well to me it doesn't.

BEING PICKY

Ok OK I know I'm pretty picky. when it comes to a lot of things. Yes I want a cup of coffee but there is now way I'm have a sip of your decaf. Yes I need new jeans but if they aren't super skinny jeans from urban outfitters umm yea I'm not wearing them.



I need to switch up my mentality and mind set. Its quite unhealthy. Because at the end of the day there is always something that we can "pick"at to make us unhappy. Like for me and the whole boyfriend sitch for instance. At first I thought the reason to why I'm always single is that perhaps I'm not very attractive. And I still do believe that and NO this isn't a call for pity and for me to indulge is some harmless self loathing but its what I firmly believe still to do this. I mean srsly. Anywhoozer if I keep being picky I'm never going to meet/do anything and once when I started to let my guard down and make progress on my cynicism an asshole finds away to fuck with my mental state of mind which is too personal to write about here only one person knows what I'm talking about and I'm sure she is reading it:) thx btw :)


This year my new years resolution is clarity and funny thing is two months in the new year and guess what my life is far from clear right now.

BTW
this post I have been writing and editing for abt 1-2 weeks so I can't write on this topic anymore because my head was in a diff place.Asyou can see in the first pargraph or so I was more potimistic but towards the end it went back to being cynical.And to think I was actually feeling that yes, I should give ppl a chance and be less picky until yesterday which basically confirmed that I was making the right choice by sending ppl away ,not giving them the chance and staying away from people.

If ppl only knew how much their actions affect people. I'm sure ppl wouldn't hit on ppl as much, maybe they would and just not care despite the emotional baggage the person they are hitting on may have. And also despite how their actions can cause them to relapse and remember all they wanted to forget.

For some reason Im real anxious over the silliest thing and Im sure Im making a bigger deal out of it then what it really is.I feel like I'm the overdramtic princess right now and I'm normally the ice queen. I like being the ice queen too. She keeps me safe.
I thought I woulkd get over this but its been haunting me in school and I been shaking in class for no reason and I'm out of harms way there.

Im sorry for anymone reading this bc no lie I feel like I'm being soo dramatic and I hate dramatic ppl. Im the fkn ice princess what happened?

xoxoxo
hellcat

Feelings?I bury them.

Lately I've been feeling like a need to change.I dont know what exactly I wanna change, but I know something needs to change. I feel this urgent need to move to Cali, L.A as a matter of fact. Yes I know the born and raised New York girl movin to the west coast which is basically considered a sin here in NYC, but I feel there is something out there for me. I told my mom that Im thinking about dedicating my life to music on the car ride home from bestbuy and her response wasnt exactly what I've been hoping for. Because there wasnt a response at all. She just said my vocal voice is getting better.So I guess I have her blessing...



ALSO

Apart of this change is my apperance. I wanna be pretty. And please dont leave me one of those"But Angie you are soo pretty" comments because I wont believe you for

1.) You're my friend and you are being nice

2.)For pity



and I want NEITHER!!!



I've been getting into makeup alot lately to well make up for what Im lacking. Dont you believe the word"make up" is a dis in itself? Beacause you are making up for the beauty you dont have.



I was once one of those gals who wouldnt care abt makeup and I thought I was better off without it,but now my self esteem is going back to that dark place it was in high school.AND I CANT GO BACK THERE AGAIN!

But how else can I fix these feeling unless I work towards a prettier me which means being less low maitainence and bobby pinning my hair back as my go to look for school and actually style it. And perhaps to wear more makeup besides mascara,lipgloss and liquid eyeliner.


soundtrack to my life right now:::
ofcourse it is....
I have the lyrics posted below beceause Jewel is more then a singer she's a poet and she herself even said its important for the listener to pay attn to her lyrics (or she said something like that dont quote me!!)and to unbderstand her art you really have to read the lyrics




Lyrics :
a man stands in the doorway like a small child
angry fists
she lies in her bed her head buried in her pillow
she stares at the moon
he speaks to her all the words she's heard too many times before
and pretty soon she just lets his voice fade away
she thinks
this was a gradual steel frost that started with cold feet
but ended with numb hearts
it was once satisfying sex, but now no longer is
it was once filled with all the possibilities of new china or old stone
but now it's exaggerated and water-logged
no longer what these hands had intended and still I cry in my sleep

he always said I was too sensitive
but I say, at least I never meant to make him cry
at least I never meant to make him hurt that way
no, I never meant to make him cry
I never meant to make you hurt that way

yes it's true, I'm too sensitive but
he takes pleasure in my pain
yes it's true, I'm too sensitive but
he takes pleasure in my pain

and the unheard hours they fly by, she goes to the window
puts on a nightgown and brushes her hair
he's already asleep by the time she goes to lay back down
she thinks, my god, what I am doing here

her bones have grown tired of his hunger, of his grey eyes
and I feel that if I were to stay one more night here I'd die, or explode, or worse yet, just fade away
he always said I was too sensitive
if I dared to care so much, the world could kill me that way
I wonder if he's only half alive or if he simply has always been this inarticulate

but I say, at least I never meant to make him cry
at least I never meant to make him hurt that way
no, I never meant to make him cry
I never meant to make him hurt that way

yes it's true, I'm too sensitive but
he takes pleasure in my pain
yes it's true, I'm too sensitive but
he takes pleasure in my pain

she gets out of bed and looks at her feet as though they were the wings for her freedom
she gets up and goes to the drawer
it's a moment in which anything can happen
instead she gets out some clothing, puts them in a bag
and leaves him sleeping while she heads for the door

NO SINGLES ALLOWED

In New York I feel that if you are single you are no longer valuable. I now know what Carrie Bradshaw felt like. Being in NYC I feel that if you are a single gal you are looked upon as if you just robbed a bank! But, I f you are premed, you dont havet time for dating.One of my best friends,Louisa told me that "If you are premed, yor never going to date and your gonna be a virgin forever,but its gonna be worth it when you make more money then your friends who were dating and hooking up with pppl will ever have,we put in the effort." While I find this to be very funny, it is also true.Unless you are premed you will never know the sacrifices we have to do, you will NEVER know unless you lived it,I can tell you but, unless you lived it you don't and will never know.

With that said I don't even know if I'm the dating type. I can't picture myself calling someone everyday or holding hands and being all affectionate.I cant really picture myself seriously caring for someone besides myself.Like what is the point of having a boyfriend?Sex?Friendship?Companion? You don't need a bf to have sex, there is always the random hookup or evn toys lmao ;) I don't need a bf be my friend because I have my girls and my gays as friends and for companionship there is always cats:) I HATE when people ask "So where's the boyriend?" "Hows the love life?" Is it REQUIRED to have a boyfriend past a certain age? Did I miss that memo?

Or perhaps my standards are too HIGH, but shouldn't yours too? I don't know why we settle.Because I never settle. its either what I want or its nothing, I'm not gonna settle for anything less. I don't know why we must sell ourselves short.

But, with this being said I still become jealous when I hear about my friends and their social lives and dating lives. But, as my dear friend Lolo once told me"If one of my friends were to get pregnant, I'm not so sure If I would still be jealous of them?"

Next post, Perhaps I will show you guys my list of standards,be ready to read for hours HAHA!

old soul

Ok so I have came to the conclusion that besides the fact that there might actually be a gay boy inside of my straight girl body, there also might be an 50 year old in there too. I can remember back in middle school for my obsession with all things "ancient" or as the kids these days are calling it, vintage. In junior high I would wear my hair in this "monroe" inspired curly do and yes I worn red cherry lipstick. That made me look beyond my years. I would walk around the halls and say "How do yo do?" to my teachers in a low whisper just like the girls back then use to say it. As the years progressed I became a HUGE fan of Audrey Hepburn. It was a rainy day and I sat down on the couch and watched 'Roman Holiday' on AMC, which I believe is one of her first movies and she won an Academy Award as well if I'm not mistaken. I wanted to BE her.100% Audrey. Unlike the actresses I grew up seeing these girls had class, they worn heels and lipstick to throw out the trash.(HAHA that rhymes!!) And instead of tack tongue rings , they wouldnt be caught without their diamonds.


And this goes for music too. I grew up listening to the oldies:Marvin Gaye, Al Green, The Temptations,Aretha Franklin and the list goes on. My brother always blasted underground rap too, my family always liked the underground which influenced the person I am today in fashion,music my life style etc. I love all things old, things that can tell a story. In high school the 60's wave hit me harder then an Hippies acid trip. I feel in love with Edie Segwick, Any Warhol and the factory,Twiggy, Brigitte Bardot and all things MOD. During this time I would wear these short babydoll dresses to school with my black leggings, what a weird one I was...

Even today Im still an old soul my music tatse goes from the The Andrew Sisters to the Beatles and Neil Young to Motley Crue and Journey. Its all over. Even for rap I like old school rap from the 90's. Maybe my old soul is why Im despreate to find another cherry red lipstick. I guess somethings you can never get over...

This song,this band the lyrics it means alot to me, I feel the words




And this is for the lovely Audrey Hepburn...
(I encourage you all to watch the whole Audrey Video, they show some of her quotes that will make you adore her even more <3)

to look at life microscopically

We only can see whats in front of us, but the real joy of the gift of sight is to see the little things. Because without the little things the "bigger" things in life lose their significance. I get to see the little things in life on a regular basis. Me, the microscope and the cells. The pictures above I took from a very difficult angle. I put my camera to the eye piece of my microscope and I tried to get the best shot I could. So YES these pics are straight from the scope. These are plant cells (I should've taken pics from the animal blood cells as well )

I won't be blogging as much as I use to, because those Harvard Med grades arent going to make themselves pop up on my transcript, but I will post any new pics/videos/thoughts/ideas/art or whatever pops into mind that I feel is significant enought to blog about.

So until then then...

Veritas,

Angie

*** THESE ARE ALL PICTURES THAT I HAVE TAKEN, I CHANGED MY BLOG TITLE SO EXCUSE THE 'Painthecolor'ON MY PICS THAT WAS MY OLD BLOG URL, THESE PICS BELONG TO ME BECAUSE I TAKEN THEM ALL!!

picture perfect

All I ever wanted was a happy family.

For all of you who have that please cherish it. I get soo jealous when I see people and their relationships with their moms/dads. I just wonder "why me?" its cliche I know, but why I don't I have a relationship like most of my friends with their rents. It sucks not having any real family relationships besides my older brother. Nor is it fun to fill my life with material things to comfort me. Material objects is like a mother to me. So when I see shows like NYC Prep and these kids are not only beyond wealthy, but have parents who care for them, its just everything I dont have, so the show fills a void. They say money doesnt buy happiness, but if you dont have happiness you have money so thats not so bad. But if you dont have money and you dont have happiness, it leaves you with nothing.

It just sucks growing up and not having anyone or a logic thinking adult. So when I grew up i thought perhaps my mom will stop being selfish and do things for me instead for her benefit.Bc as a child me and my bro always was there for her so maybe she will do her parenting later on NO she didnt. Now at 20 years old she is still all for self.



This basically sums it all up::::

Fall 2008 I was having a hard time with my sciences classes and being the perfect premed student. So I told my mom " I dont know if I can do this anymore, its too hard, I dont know if I have what it takes to become a doctor." I looked at my mom waitng for the typical supportive pep talk of " dont worry just keep trying hard." Instead she replied by saying " Well I never reallly saw you becoming a doctor anyway, I dont think it meant for you, try something else."

I love her motivating motherly words of wisdom...

just call me grannie panties, Hello,Roaring 20's

I'm 20 today!!



I should be estastic right?But, Im not.

Not being a teen anymore isn't something I'm happy about. My first actual adult year and I'm not exactly sure how to handle it or what to think of it. I was a teen for 6 years 13-19 and it was the best years of my life, new experiences and first year of high school first day of college ,senior year, hanging out with your crew after school, senior prom, first crushes and everything all teen years. Twenties is all about getting the career, the internship and getting your shit together. Finding the major thats going to lead you to the 7 figure career.(Im not settling for 6 figures sorry). Finding a bf, who can be a fiance (more mid-late 20's) , but still all of the pressure of the Roaring 20's. And Im feeling really old. I know soo many teens and the fact that I'm not one anymore makes me feel matronly.

I am however very glad and fortunate that I was able to live for 20 years, two whole decades, well here is for another 20 more and 20 more and 20 more and 20 more after that!!!

validation

its times like this that really validates the future I want in life
money
career
nice home
rich ass hubby
fast cars

i already did the working class life
its time for the rich one

change of plans

Ima marry rich. One day as i stroll along the Upper East Side on my way to class, I'ma run into one of the cast members from NYC Prep and its gonna be all set from there. I will drop outta college and instead of going to class, I'll go to Bergdorf's. Instead of shitty vendor food or caferteria shit, I wil be devouring the best foods of 4 star restaurants. Drive?Suway?Bus/ NAHH! I will have a personal driver to push the whip for me. Life would be grand. I would no longer be in a situation of I wanna be an artist but premed is a secure option. Money would be out the question I would'nt need to major in something to have a secure future, I can do what I want whenever I want.


Grand.


But, the inner feminist in me won't allow myself to act like that. We're from opposite worlds anyway. I want love and drunken eyes. I want to have the balls if you will, to be the one to ask for the prenup NOT the guy. I want to pay for the dates to feel independent and even emasculate him, but that would be unintenional but yea its a perk of it all. And if he ever cheated on me I want to be able to not have to worry abt finances and how Ima survive without him


Grand.

sitting on the stepping stone

time.is.of.the.essence.

or that is what they say.

But,for me, nah I never listen. If I was to devote myself to this theory completly I would not be where I am today.I would've been happier. For I would've took a plunge into an aqueous solution, one that I was unsure of, but one that I truly did love, or was madly infatuated with.
But.since I didnt follow that, I'm in a mud hole. An intersection. Divided into three paths. There's no good path and bad path,right or wrong,fun or boring. But, there is logic and just plain stipid. First love or my second one. Passion or security. Pleasure or Pain. Lace or Leather.

double post in one day

There are times when all I want is a white coat then there are times when I wanna splatter it with acrylic and oil paints. What is there to do? I want the easel and the scapel.

moving along

so far so good.
simple.

epic fail

All we need as humans I believe is an epic fail. No, failing your road test doesnt count. By this I mean to fail at something that you invested so much time in. Something that you probably wouldve done for the rest of your life or perhaps someone that wouldve been in your life forever, but things didnt work out. The epic fail allows us to move on to become fearless individuals. Besides after losing something/someone that meant so much to you, you later become immune to any form of hurt. You lost what meant the most to you so as so you establish this "Fuck you pay me" attitude towards life. If you pass a class you pass it if you dont you dont. If things dont work out with your new siginifcant other, oh well I felt this before shit happens I can move on, I been through this before, Im still alive still strong. Once you hit "rock bottom" or lost a dream that meant the world to you, sooner or later you will just not care as much,this epic fail which at the time probably felt severe and terminal, can actually be a blessing. I experienced the epic fail. At first I was crushed which is natural and kept my wall up which is still there sad to say. But as time passes I became more relaxed and enjoyed life for what it is no expectations no nothing. And the outcome was fantastic . Everything went according to "plan" because you know why there was no plan,therefore no expections=no lost.
basically once you have reached the epic fail in your life,and you realize that somethings are meant to happen is when you finally get to enjoy things for what they are,which is just wondeful
So epic fail this is to you

heart left, naive right

Im pretty sure im done-zo with premed
let me give u the pros and cons:


Pros

• I get to take classes like bio and learn about the human body.
• A new sense of intelligence, knowing I'm learning concepts, alot of people wont be able to understand.
• If I get accepted in medical school I will make my mom very happy.
• I get to help others in need.
• And after a while I get to make shitload of $$$$$
• .........

Cons

• Sleep deprivation, nahh this shit kicks in BEFORE med school.
• Science is harddd, likee reallly hard, especially at my college , we have a reputation for hard sciences :(
• Science is pretty boringggg,not sure if im even good at at.
• The people are wayy too comepetive for me, I understand competiton is in every career, but asking ppl for you for your grades before they even say hi, is just douchee.
• Too stressful, spent alot on my time crying, simply depressed. Is premed worth my happiness?
• I can be doing this shit and not even get in med school. Can be going through this shit JUST to get rejected.
• I have soo many passions in my life, art,theatre,photography,media,journalism, writning, fashion. Do I really wannna give that up for good.?
• Premed makes me bitter and mean to the people I love. I become a different person I dont like that girl I become when I do premed.
• If I get in med schoool , Im sure its gonna be boring besides the clinicals.
• Ima be in debt like $200,000 in debt
• Sure doctors make moneyyy but I would havee soo many loans I wont even get to enjoy it.
• Most of the money I do make is going to go into lawsuits from patients. Doctors get sued o.d.
• Ima have to fight for a residency, prob dont even get the one I want or be in the state I wanna be in. I wanna stay in New York.
• Sleep deprivation is evn worse but unlike in undergrad where I can sleep whenever I want. If im on call I cant just hit the snooze buttton.
• Family life pshh I wont have time for that shit.
• Also sometimes I think being a doctor is kinda boring. paperwork blahhh getting bitched by my attending.
• To be honest im not sure if I even like it

So as you can see the cons out weigh the pros. However I can't give up this idea of becoming a doctor.

why?

Because I know if I fully pursue any of the other careers my job/future wont be stable or a definite. Pre med Im sure I will have a job and make money to support myself, un like in art, or even journalism where most of the shit is freelanced. Sometimes I hate art because I love something that isnt stable if my passion was science or business everything would be great. I can be a CEO ,scientist ,doctor or whatever and I wouldnt mind doing it and going through the harsh classes because I love it, but I dont. People always say if you can see yourself doing anything else beside being a doctor, then dont be a doctor. Hmmm food for thought.

what I would do for peace of mind...

after almost two years in college i just realized i've been doing it wrong it all just wrong...wrong in every way...now it makes since


Hello
realization, how do you do?

when the weather outside is frightful....

snow.white.cold.brr.macoroni salad. all the things thta occupy this day. school is NOT closed..wtfff Hunter college should realize that as a COMMUTERR school despite if it is in mahattan not that more than half of the student body commutes therefore shouldnt school be cancelled...idiots... not like ppl dorm anyway unless they are in a sport or in honors college and i noticed they give dorms to ppl who lIVE IN NYCC cant they commute...i live on long island and have no dorm..idiotss.
1.2.3.4 repeattt....
hope they see this blog to understand how mad me and the rest of the student body is about this .lamerzzz d00d

loose lips steady hips

It has been awhile so let me catch you up. School has beeen a pain like always but its a good pain im enjoying . im soo happy im back into art i feel like a ripe fruit. im meet amazingg ppl there to especially killa J hehehe hehe (up yours) shes soo funny and intelligent nice to meet someone as awkward as me . makes it seem more commonplace. life is being nice to me a good friend for the most part. i excluded all the negatives out of my life and all.
im also enjoying the crisp linen scent of the air. The crispness is very seductive and quite pleasant.so my plans so far is to write m fairy tale rough draft,study for my upcoming media midterm,do my weekly art assignments and my weekly creative writing one page writing assigmnent. As for schoolwork i am more full than an contestant at a hotog eating contest.

swollen

I have aquired the tasty infection of pink eye. Fkn NYC public trasnprtation is the epicenter for germs.I srsly think we should run the bio labs there in stead of in school. I woke up to see this olive colored creen goo on my eye. i felt unatractivve and more disguistin than nrmal.My throat began and still is swellin up. the sofest thing is a task for me to swollow. i feel mucus deep inside of me anxious to be released.the pink eye is gone but my throat however is killling me.AnywhoozerzI cant belive all i lost during the semester and before the semester. i feel as if im a new born baby gettin a fresh new start. its kinda refereshing to start over again yet its kinda tuff to realize what u lost but when i think abt it i didnt lose much besides drama . my trust issue is going to be the reasion to why i willl end up alone and miserble. no one can be trusted i love my mom LOVEEE HERR but even with her i still feel like there is some trust missing the whole forgive and forget thing doesnt mean shit to mee i dont forgive and hell fkn no do i forget ooh hell noooo but for my new friends i am completly grateful. My new art class reminded me on what ive been missing, to meet ppl who arent so judgemental abt grades and arent so fkn competitive. granted some of the kids can be pretentious but pretension is allowed in art. unlike in premed when there is no such thiing as talent..it doesnt take any talent to open up a textbooo until you forced yourself to attain all of the tedious fomulas they have to offer in art however .. you just kinda know If you have a "talent" per se u can see it ppl can see it.you cant see intelligence and there is no proof that u are as smart as u think u are .in art ppl can see your talent so therefore pretention in the art world is more allowed.but all things in moderation...